It's so hard to find you
I'm standing right behind you
The streets are much colder
This mean I'm getting older

Why would you?
How could I?
These questions lead to goodbye
But now I got my freedom
Don't I?

I parked my car outside your house
Hope that someday you'll come home
Seems the woman that I love
Is someone that I hardly know
And after all this time
I finally found a way to be alone
I'm terrified to think that I may be losing my mind

Shy girl, so humble
With eyes that make me stumble
Somehow not speaking lets me know everything
I go out, You eat in
Hot from the situation
You're naked in daylight
Wrap yourself up and goodnight

I'm burning, I'm hungry
Angry cuz she don't love me
You got me completely
In my own game you beat me

I parked my car outside your house
Hope that someday you'll come home
Seems the woman that I love
Is someone that I hardly know
And after all this timeI finally found a way to be alone
I'm terrified I think that I may be losing my mind

I will be back again
No this is not the end
I've fallen hard this time but I'm not giving in
I want the world to know that I won't let you forget
The tears that you shed
I'll make it impossible to let go

Today is Christmas, so I have gotten to spend all day with my family which has been really nice. My uncle from Bostom came in and suprised everybody....no one knew he was coming in.

I guess this is a blog, so I can say what I want...right? A couple days ago, my sibling and I went to the mall and got my mom all the things that she wanted on her christmas list. Dosen't seem like a big deal....she didn't even really ask for much. So, we were able to get her pretty much everything she asked for. This morning, when we were handing out and opening gifts just amongst our immediate family (mom,dad, sister, bro and I), I realized that if it wasn't for the gifts that we went and got the other day, my mom would not have had anything to open. Nothing. Let me reitterate what this all means. That means my dad, her husband, got her nothing. She got him TONS of stuff, including a new digital camera, just like he wanted. If you haven't gotten the point...he's a shitty husband.
It made me realize that her (my mom) kids are all she has. Everything. If it wasn't for us, she would not have even had a gift to open. We are her everything. And whenever I feel antsy about wanting to up and leave and backpack around the world, I remember that I am her world....

How could you be so, cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me though
You know need to watch the way you talkin' to me, yo
I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me
And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely

In the night, I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless.. How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?

How could be so Dr. Evil,
you bringin' out a side of me that I dont know..
I decided we weren't gon' speak so
Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone
Why does she be so mad at me fo'
Homie I dont know, she's hot and cold
I won't stop, I won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go
You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me

In the night, I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless? Oh.. How could you be so heartless?

Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right
I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night...

The Devil

I have been jamming Madonna's new CD "Hard Candy" and amongst the plethra of songs that I enjoy, I am particulary fond of "the Devil wouldn't recognize you".
I do not find anyone in my past that it reminds me of, but more...it reminds me of myself. I feel like this is a song that someone from my past would play to ME.
Pretty bad, huh...anyways, here are the lyrics:


As quiet as it is tonight
You'd almost think you were safe
Your eyes are full of surprises
They cannot predict my fate

Waiting underneath the stars
There's something you should know
The angels, they surround my heart
Telling me to let you go

I bet he couldn't
I bet he couldn't recognize
But I played right into it
Who am I to criticize
Somehow I'll get through it
And you won't even realize
Falling through your own disguise
It's like over and over
You're pushing me right down to the floor
I should just walk away
Over and overI keep on coming back for more
I play into your fantasy
Now that it's over
You can lie to me right through your smile
I see behind your eyes
Now I'm sober
No more intoxicating my mind
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, I doI do, I do

You almost fooled yourself this time
That all the saints be praised
You hide your sadness behind your smile
And you keep your lost heartbreaks
The steps that edge along the ledge
It's much higher than it seems
But I've been on that ledge before
You can't hide yourself from me

Even the devil wouldn't recognize you
Devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
Devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do I do
Devil wouldn't recognize you
Recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, I do

request off

I really don't know why I titled this "request off". It was actually one of the binders sitting in front of me at work...so it was the first thign I wrote down.
I was suppose to be off today, but I got called in. So, here I sit. I found a cool website/company. Beautiful fabrics, distinguished furniture....its badass check it out. If i was a professional designer, i would for sure register with this company: http://www.duralee.com/furniture.html
Getcha some. You gotta check out the press ads they have released. They are awesome.

Today my mom came to lexington and met me at work and took me out to dinner. I felt really sad when she left for some reason; almost like I was going to cry. Its not like I don't see her alot...i guess I am just being a big baby.
But, anyways...her and I were talking about random things at dinner and we started talking about traveling and she started to reminesce about when she backpacked Europe (she was 22, my age). It made me really want to go back to Europe. I feel like when I was over there I take advantage of going to many other countries except England and Scotland.
My mom talked about how she went to 8 different countries and there were a couple nights where she couldn't find a hostile to stay at so, she slept in the streets or at the bus stop. What a badass. I would like to meet the 22 year old Pam Andrews. She could probably kick my ass.
And work has been boring as hell..not that anyone cares.
I cannot wait until my damn lease is up so i can get the hell out of here...I found another program abroad I think I am going to do if I can get my finances straight before then. It is in Africa though, a far cry from the wild nightlife and delicious boys of London, England.

Now I am just talking out of my ass. Oh well.

Blogging

What a weird name for public self expression: blogging. It would be a personal pleasure to meet the person who came up with such a creative name for this.
we'll I am currently "blogging" for the first time. Figured this would give me an opportunity to express myself...via the internet. If anyoen reads it...who knows....who cares?

We'll for anyone who really knows me...I am currently selling myself short; and by that, I mean I am still living in Kentucky. After I graduated, my lease in Richmond was up in August and before I knew it...i had no where to live with no job. So, I scrambled and took the first job offer I got, which was in lexington, and consequently...signed a lease there as well.
So, here I am. Living the life I promised myself I never would at 22. But, oh well. This too shall pass. But, If I can say so...my new pad is pretty badass. So, now I am just saving my money up for the first chance I have to get the hell out of this place alive.

My brother is doing a drum competition next week in LA....he's a badass. Even though he hasn't graduated college, and he literally has NO money, he is living the life. But, I know at some point...living that 'free' lifestyle will catch up to him...because he will be 30 before he knows it.
But, it dosen't change the fact that I am slightly envious of his lifestyle.
well...i guess I am done blogging. I am tired now.